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| i am so broken.
this world.. is so terribly broken.
and my heart is breaking.
how much more... the heart of the Lord must ache.
i can't even imagine...
it hurts.
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just do it
"...everything that does not come from faith is sin" - romans 14:23
#1 core emotion: fear
pattern of thinking of fear, not faith...
we are worse than we think, yet accepted. |
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| i need a lifestyle change.
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| i'm supposed to be studying, but.. decided to take a break.
i am so losing my study game right now... but, it's okay. 'cause. ..juhae's sleeping ^^
wow, so much has happened this semester. so many.. unexpected things.
for one, i don't have my sisters around me constantly like last semester.
i was so blessed last semester.. living with one of my closest friends,
sharing classes with another and having the time after class to just study.
another, i was really lonely at tbh the beginning of the year.. which is strange,
'cause i didn't expect it at all. i wanted my own room and to kind of get away
from east campus 'cause i thought it would help me focus better, but instead
i wasn't able to enjoy my space, which i usually crave... i wasn't even able to
study because of it. i was just.. down a lot. =\
then gracie left us to go to Heaven, i ran the half-marathon with friends
and got an interview at midwestern pharmacy school all in the same week.
i don't really know how to feel. to be quite honest, i've been pretty
unmotivated... it's been really hard to study. i have goals... they're do-able
and challenging.. but the motivation just isn't there.
but, i feel a bit better. i started going to servants this semester.. i guess that's
new too. anyway, large group today was so good. it was so refreshing.
i think it's 'cause the Bible was preached in a way that wasn't watered down.
also, the additional contextual information definitely helped my understanding
of the passage as well as my appreciation for it.
largely, the biggest issue (which was touched upon in large group), is the
lack of satisfaction in my relationship with Christ. if i no longer have joy
from knowing Christ and His love,.. then my relationship has already
been compromised in some way.. and the cause can be many things,..
but most likely it is a result of my sin.
it was good to really come before Him and repent... and to be reminded
that there is forgiveness always.. that His love is abounding and forever.
that it is not conditional.. and that there is redemption. but also, a transformation.
from who i was and who i am to who i am meant to be. slow, maybe,
but continual and He is faithful to see it to its end.
perhaps i had somewhere in the middle of wanting to give my best to God,
traded my motive to serve my own pride or purposes. my identity and focus
had shifted somehow, and other components attributed to my gradual transition.
but, i want to be put back on track. i can't wait until bible study.
i used to think i could study in the time that i was in large group or small group
or.. whatever it may be. and it's true. time is being sacrificed, but i'm better for it.
if not there, then somehow i will probably be wasting my time anyway..
better to be rejuvenated and focused in my hours of study than wasted away
on some game or useless entertainment.
God has been so faithful in the most unexpected ways this semester.
i am seeing more of who i am.. which is painful,.. but also learning a lot.
i am greatly blessed and loved by those around me, which is amazing
to begin with. i have community, which i can say i was partially blind
to before, if not completely. sometimes, i can be my worst enemy...
and the greatest defeater of hope. as always, my parents are a great support,
.. and i can only hope that i will be able to somehow pay them back in the future..
at least, show my appreciation more than anything.. and my friends..
though they love me in ways that sometimes i may find uncomfortable
or not exactly in the way that i would prefer, it is a great comfort to know
that they care for me. i'm also praying that my heart motives for studying
and serving others would not be compromised for my own benefit
but that God would place in me a pure heart.. and that all that i do would be
an expression of my gratitude..from having understood better, deeper the extent
of His love, grace and mercy for not only myself, but each individual.
research and work after school have also been keeping me busy.
i hardly know if i'm studying enough for my classes (i don't think i am)..
and i don't think i accounted enough time for my being tired afterwards
when scheduling this semester..but since i have already commited,
i will try to give it my best. it will be by God's strength alone
that i make it through this semester alive..
all that i am.. all that i have.. whatever my successes..
it will be by the grace and mercy of God that i have them.
i have been shown far too great my weaknesses...
praise God... He is good.. all the time.. and all the time, He is good.
back to studying. pray for me! and may God grant all of us the rest
and peace that we seek.
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| it's so weird.
i can't say that enough.
almost like a dream... vivid but unreal.
i guess i forgot that it was this world that's a dream...
and really, you've just gone home.
home to Jesus.
all these memories rise up,
memories, stupid moments that weren't given a second glance..
and all of a sudden they decide to gang up on me.
i remember the times we used to study mostly.
seeing you on west campus with your bike after research.
you biking in the summer to your classes..
walking in the rain back to the apartment after PCAT cramming at efebos.
all those prayer meetings that you held but i could somehow
never get myself to go to. except maybe the occasionally one or two
here and there. the night at the apartment when i was about to move out
toward the end of summer..we sang a duet worship song in your room
with a small lamp to light the words and key chords.
i walked into your room yesterday. your hospital room. your apartment room.
you had a pony tail. and all these tubes...were stuck onto you..
a machine giving you breath.
the room was just as you left it .. i suppose sunday morning.
the laptop on the bookshelf, your bed unmade..
everything all over the floor as if you were going to come back
and say, "i'm back!.. man, i'm tired...need sleeeeep... need more Jesus!"
haha.. you were such a woman of passion. a fire, burning ever so greatly...
tirelessly..you truly fought hard.. and i could tell with each day,
you understood greater, deeper,
His love for you and the rest of us.
there's more. i can't count them all. i can't even remember them all.
it's wonderful seeing even a glimpse of all the lives you touched.
it's wonderful hearing how you have somehow challenged another,
encouraged a brother, loved a sister.. brought Jesus into our lives..
you deserve it. the rest. to be in His arms.
i know you wanted to go back to china. i know you would have loved
to stay and keep fighting.. but, i suppose it was just the right time..
and Heaven is better.. you got the better deal.
i miss you. and i love you. i wish i had told you when i saw you even if i was tired.
thank you for being such a blessing... you've inspired and challenged me so much for the better.
rest in peace, grace.
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